Phil Mitchell stumbles, bleary-eyed, into the Queen Vic. It’s a mess from the night before – a vista of broken glasses and overturned seats.
Phil Woss goin’ on?
A few minutes pass as he grunts about, clearing up. Peggy comes in, adjusting her blonde beehive.
Peggy Awww… woss goin’ on?
Phil grunts and keeps working. Roxy and Ronnie appear in the pub.
Peggy Ahhhh – it’s fairm’ly, innit?
Roxy/Ronnie in chorus Woss goin’ on?
Cut to the Beales’ house. Jane wakes up and sees that Ian has grown a beard and the various Beale children have grown new heads (due to being replaced by new actors).
Jane Woss goin’ on?
Various teenage Beale children
Ian Oh for Pete’s sake…
Ian rushes off to the café. Pat is already there, wiping the tables and taking up all the space behind the counter.
Ian Woss goin’ on?
Pat You’ve got a nerve.
Ian ‘Ere ‘ave a cuppa.
Frank Butcher (I can’t remember whether he’s supposed to be dead or not but either Frank or his ghost, ok?) comes into the café.
Pat F-r-a-n-k!
Frank P-a-t!
Pat F-r-a-n-k!
Frank P-a-t!
Ian Oh for Pete’s sake!
Frank leaves again, with Pat in hot pursuit. They stop off at the launderette.
Dot Ooh I say…
Pat F-r-a-n-k!
Frank P-a-t!
Dot Woss goin’ on?
Peggy comes into the launderette.
Frank ‘Ello Duchess.
Peggy Woss goin’ on?
Pat F-r-a-n-k!
Dot Ooh I say…
Peggy It’s fairm’ly, ain’t it?
Pat leaves. Frank stares at the slammed door as the bead curtain rattles ominously.
Dot Ooh I say…
Frank P-a-t!
Peggy Woss goin’ on?
Cut to the car lot. Kevin and the Miller child are polishing their dodgy cut-and-shut motors.
Miller child Woss goin’ on?
Kevin I’ll sort it.
Billy Mitchell walks into the car yard. Kevin slams him against the wall, holds him there by the chest, and waves a set of car keys in his face. Billy starts to cry.
Billy Woss goin’ on?
He takes the keys and Kevin releases him.
Kevin Sorted.
The Miller child looks on admiringly. Billy and Kevin go into the portakabin. Money presumably changes hands. After a few moments Billy drives away in the worst car from the car lot. It backfires as he goes.
Chorus of market traders Woss goin’ on?
Cut to the Miller household. Keef Miller is slumped in his greasy armchair. He hasn’t washed, shaved or changed his clothes in 22 years.
Keef Woss goin’ on?
Miller child It’s sorted.
Dawn Miller totters downstairs in her high heels and tight jeans. She flicks her hair impatiently and turns on the lights. The shape of a baby’s car-seat is revealed on the sofa to one side of Keef.
Keef Woss goin’ on?
Dawn My bay-bee.
Dawn picks up the infant, sniffs the air and notices an unpleasant odour. Although Keef may be the responsible party, she concludes that the baby needs changing.
Dawn Awwww… woss goin’ on?
Mickey Miller comes downstairs with a random woman he’s brought home the previous night. He looks pleased. She looks embarrassed.
Keef Oh – woss goin’ on then son?
Mickey It’s goin’ on, Dad innit.
Random woman I’d best get goin’.
Mickey Awwww… woss goin’ on?
The Random woman leaves and Mickey slumps down onto the sofa in the space vacated by the baby in its car seat. A scream is heard from upstairs. Dawn has broken a nail in the activity of infant ablutions.
Dawn Awwww… woss goin’ on NAW!
Cut back to the Queen Vic. Phil has finished clearing up at last and is opening the pub. Roxie and Ronnie are putting the finishing touches to their imposing make-up. Peggy enters (returning from the Launderette). She finds the pub unexpectedly quiet.
Peggy Woss goin’ on?
Roxy Auntie Peggy!
Peggy Awww… it’s fairm’ly, ain’t it?
Ronnie Auntie Peggy!
Phil Gissa vodka.
Peggy Phil! Woss goin’ on NAW?
A familiar red-headed figure from the past rushes into the Queen Vic.
Bianca Where’s Rick-ay?
Peggy Woss goin’ on?
Roxie / Ronnie Who’s she?
Their question is answered as another familiar figure, a dark haired, stocky man, fairly young, wearing a leather jacket, rushes in after her.
Ricky Bianca!
Bianca Rick-ay!
Phil Giss anovver vodka.
Peggy Awwww… it’s fairm’ly ain’t it?
Roxie Auntie Peggy…
Ronnie Woss goin’ on?
The Queen Vic door rattles and Jim comes in. He orders a pint with a whiskey chaser and establishes himself in a quiet corner. After a brief interval, Dot arrives in the pub. Having ordered a tomato juice, she first of all notices Ricky and Bianca, who are fighting loudly over what to play on the juke box.
Dot Ooh I say!
Dot looks around the pub and spots her husband.
Dot Jim Branning!
Jim Oh… Dorothy…
Dot Ooh I say!
Jim Woss goin’ on?
Dot Jim Branning!
Jim drains his whiskey, abandons his pint and leaves the pub with an air of great resignation. Dot bustles after him. Meanwhile Bianca has won the battle of the jukebox. Amy Winehouse’s song “Rehab” is heard in the background.
Phil Giss anovver vodka!
The door rattles loudly and Frank enters at some speed.
Roxie / Ronnie Woss goin’ on?
Frank ‘Ello Duchess.
Peggy Awwww… it’s fairm’y, ain’t it?
Phil Woss goin’ on?
There is another loud rattle as Pat sweeps in, accompanied by Kevin.
Kevin There ‘e is. Sorted.
Pat F-r-a-n-k!
Peggy Awww… woss goin’ on?
Pat F-r-a-n-k!
Frank P-a-t!
Frank and Pat embrace. Peggy looks disgusted and bustles off to dust her iconic Queen Vic bust.
Kevin Sorted.
Ian and Jane arrive in the pub. They notice Frank’s unexpected appearance immediately.
Jane Woss goin’ on?
Ian Oh for Pete’s sake.
Pat F-r-a-n-k!
Phil Giss anovver vodka.
Roxie / Ronnie in chorus Auntie Peggy!
Peggy (grudgingly) Awww… it’s fairm’ly, ain’t it?
Billy limps into the pub, with his wife Honey at his side. She is looking confused.
Billy Woss goin’ on?
Peggy Awwww… it’s fairm’ly, ain’t it?
Honey My bay-beee…
Kevin nudges his wife (who has come in at some point, but no-one has actually noticed for a while) and nods towards Billy with a wink.
Kevin Sorted.
Phil staggers to his feet. Vodka-fuelled, he lunges towards Frank and shoves him against a wall with an audible slam.
Frank Woss goin’ on?
Phil It’s fairm’ly.
Pat F-r-a-n-k!
Roxie Woss goin’ on?
Dot (who has slipped back in) Ooh I say!
Ronnie Auntie Peggy!
Peggy It’s fairm’ly.
Frank Duchess…
Ian Oh for Pete’s sake!
Honey My bay-bee…
Phil punches Frank hard in the face. The lights flicker and the Amy Winehouse song from the jukebox reaches a crescendo. Frank falls to the floor.
Kevin Sorted!
Pat F-r-a-n-k!
Ronnie Woss goin’ on?
Peggy It’s fairm’ly!
Roxie Auntie Peggy!
Pat F-r-a-n-k!
Ian Oh for Pete’s sake!
Dot Ooh I say!
Honey My baybee…
Billy Woss goin’ on?
Phil It’s fairm’ly. NAW - giss anovver vodka.
Peggy Awww… it’s fairm’ly.
Frank (coming round) ‘Ello Duchess.
Pat F-r-a-n-k…
Ricky (only just noticing) Dad!
Bianca (following him) Rick-ay!
Frank ‘Ello son.
Peggy Awww… it’s fairm’ly!
Honey My bay-bee…
Billy Woss goin’ on?
Ian Oh for Pete’s sake!
Ricky pulls Frank to his feet and props him up in one of the bench seats by the window.
Kevin Sorted.
Pat F-r-a-n-k!
Dot Ooh I say…
Things start to calm down. Bianca puts more money in the juke box and after a moment’s pause, the tones of “I predict a riot” by the Kaiser Chiefs can be heard in the background. Jim slips back into the pub, assuming Dot will have left by now. Dot doesn’t see him for a while as she is deep in conversation with Honey and Billy, “ooh I say”-ing over the latest tales of their “bay-bee”. Phil has another vodka, Ricky and Bianca have pints, Dot has another tomato juice, Roxy and Ronnie polish the bar and Peggy goes back to dusting her heirloom bust. Pat sits with Ricky and Bianca, sloshing a triple vodka and orange around in an outraged way. Kevin and his wife hold hands and look on.
Suddenly there is a rumbling noise in the background. It sounds like the familiar noise of the underground train arriving in Walford station… but it gets louder and louder and louder until it drowns out the crescendo of the Kaiser Chiefs and becomes so deafening that all the characters drop their drinks with a communal smash and the audiences of Britain reach for their remote controls. Peggy’s bust teeters on the bar and falls to the floor. It bounces.
The walls of the Queen Vic at the Albert Square side vibrate a bit, then crash inwards in a dramatic shower of glass and bricks and cardboard. Keef Miller, still welded to his armchair, explodes through the space where the walls used to be – borne on a volcanic lava of filth and sloth and idleness.
There is much screaming and chaos as the greaseball rips through the Queen Vic.
The screen goes black.
Peggy’s voice is heard in the sudden and ominous silence. Her words quaver at first but rise rapidly to a scream.
Peggy Will somebody tell me – WOSS GOIN’ ON?
The drumbeats sound. The credits roll.
Originally written 27-11-07
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