Ok. I’m not an expert. I’m the first to admit that I often get this wrong – but after very nearly thirteen years of marriage (/mutual tolerance), here are a few guidelines for newly qualified or aspiring wives.
I’ll let you into a secret. It’s easier than you think. In fact: I’ve really only got one piece of advice to offer. Always offer lots of praise.
Men respond well to praise. If they take the bin out, they will preen themselves for applause like an Olympic gymnast at the end of a complicated floor routine. They may, after a year or two, stop short of striking the typical gymnast’s pose, with arched torso and hands raised above the head. The abandoning of this practice is something of a relief, especially if you have visitors in. However the thinking behind the inevitable, “I’ve taken the bin out, dear,” is still the same, and you should always make sure to lavish your husband with praise at this point. Especially if it is dark, raining, icy, snowing, foggy, or a bright summer evening when the neighbours are drinking cocktails on their deck and he feels a bit “common” or put-upon by comparison. In the current climate of fortnightly bin collection, he will need particular praise in the 48 hours just as “black bin day” approaches. Taking out the rubbish on these days may necessitate a display of masculine strength, as accumulated debris is pushed down, sometimes by enforced entry into the wheelie-bin and trampling the rubbish into submission. This is only ever attempted under cover of darkness, so you have to take this into consideration when issuing plaudits afterwards.
Of course, there are lots of other times you need to offer praise. Men are delicate creatures and need to hear verbal affirmation when they: clean things; move things; lift things; repair things; run errands; finally tidy away that pile of their unread mail or those bits of paper or those endless to-do post-it notes; wash your car (largely an annual event); cut the grass. Gardening and DIY are specific activities which need a lot of consideration among wives. Always remember that gardening is a competitive sport. If the gentle throbbing tones of a petrol mower are heard from across the road, you can expect to see gentle stirrings from behind the newspaper, a loud sigh or two, and then observe as the newspaper is thrown aside with faux-resentment as the adrenalin of competition starts to flow, and the man prepares to apply it to the lawn. Of course, this activity will take a good couple of hours, no matter how small your garden is, because it will involve the arraying of gardening tools at the front of the garage, and the subsequent leaning on one of these implements while essential information about football results, house prices and the neighbours is exchanged across garden fences and cul-de-sacs. More male bonding will occur at the local dump, as bags of grass cuttings are heaved manfully into skips. Afterwards, he will be very tired when he comes back into the house and will comment that he absolutely has to have a nap. When this happens, you should not look resentfully at this untidy-looking shape on the sofa, but should heap praises like grass cuttings on his recumbent form. He feels satisfied there – he has engaged with nature and with the neighbours in a caveman-like ritual. But he still needs to be praised for it – and if you remember to tell him the garden looks lovely, you’ll create a climate of goodwill, which will certainly lead to the exercise being repeated while you can still see the house across the road.
DIY. That’s another one. He’ll definitely need praised for that. Even – indeed, especially – if the shelves aren’t quite straight, or the plaster gets cracked by the drill, or he gets really angry as the seventh wall-plug in succession breaks just as he tries to use it. Express your admiration for his collection of tools and gadgets. These, you have to understand, are his pride and joy. You won’t see the point of them. I mean, who actually needs two socket-sets, forty-seven drill bits and a circular saw? This is not the point: not in his world. In his world, it makes him feel happy to have all these things in his garage. And it will make him even happier if you admire them and praise him for having the good taste and exceptional foresight to purchase them. You should praise him too, of course, for the time he spends filing and arranging and polishing these items. This means that, should disaster strike, he will have the requisite items to help him in his quest to save the world or at least, to save his garage. And when he’s actually done some DIY and you’ve told him it’s great, you should make sure then that you praise the mess he’s left behind. But don’t call it mess. This is not just sawdust and nails and screws and broken wall-plugs – it’s the embodiment of his creative spirit. Once you’ve admired it, you should hoover it up quickly without any complaining. If he offers to do it himself, stop him immediately although of course you need to praise him for his incredibly generous offer. He’s been working hard. He’s tired. He shouldn’t have to clean up. What he’s done is wonderful… but now it’s time for him to have another nap.
When he wakes up, perhaps he’ll try a little cookery. Once again, this will lead to his creative spirit expressing itself. It will, in fact, probably express itself all over every single worktop and available square inch of working space in the kitchen you’ve cleaned so carefully. There will be crumbs everywhere. What he presents you with, though, whether al dente or delightfully chargrilled, you’re best to say it’s the best thing you’ve ever tasted. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Although this sounds temptingly like something from the instruction manual for Beginners’ Surgery, it’s actually quite true… and his digestion will run so much more smoothly with the antacid cushioning of yes, that’s right, you telling him how delicious his creation is.
And then it comes to the point. The point when you realise it’s all worthwhile. The moment at which a decision has to be made. Here’s what you do: you make a suggestion. You’ve thought about it beforehand, whatever it is: where to go on holiday, whether or not to move house, whether to have a dinner-party next weekend. You plant the suggestion quietly. Carefully. Subtly. So that he barely notices you doing it. Then you change the subject completely. After a lapse of time, during which you praise some of his anecdotes and laugh at a few of his jokes, you refer back to it again. “That was a wonderful idea of yours, darling,” you’ll say. “Quite brilliant. You know – you always get right to the heart of things. Find the solution. Solve the problem. It’s just so great how you can always do that.” He’s charmed, then. He’s proud of his idea and he knows he’s solved the problem. And you’ve got what you wanted – the holiday destination or the new house or the perfect Saturday night. Everybody’s happy.
So ladies. Newly qualified or aspiring wives, or maybe even those who want to keep their male boss happy and … amenable. Remember these things. Praise him. Praise him at every opportunity. For all those wonderful things he does: his wisdom, his wit, his domestic superiority. Guaranteed to work in at least 99.9% of cases.
And if it doesn’t work – there’s always knitting.
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